Bring me back from the brink, baby
by HouseAddict33
Summary: A look into the minds of House and Cuddy through this awful time for us wounded Huddy shippers. Huddy, some Hachel, fluff, angst and hopefully some adventure!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Erm...hey guys. This has been running through my mind since "Bombshells". My wounded heart tried to fight it, really. I tried to rebel and this is what happened. I"ve written a few one-shots before, though nothing magnificent. This is all my own, no beta so all mistakes are mine. I'd like it to be a WIP but that all depends on you readers. Be gentle but honest. This is my way of dodging the dark swirl of huddy-depression.

He didn't know what the **hell** he was doing. All he could see was red, every looming thought that raced through his mind was tinged with it. Addicts relapsed, that was fact. He absolutely **sucked **at relationships, another fact. She had known that going in, hadn't she? Wasn't there some sort of tally for mistakes made within a relationship? There should be, he decided. He also decided that a relationship shouldn't end because he was an idiot. He was trying so hard to be mad at her but it was hard when he missed her this desperately. He figured even if she could get over the fact that he slipped, she wouldn't be able to get over the amount of nastiness he showed with all the hookers. At the time he thought that was what he needed, a bit of fun. Now he's wondering if it was worth it and the same answer keeps poking at him. A resounding no. He wishes he could just talk to her, realizes that he should have followed her, instead of standing there stuttering like an idiot. Idiot. Yeah, he get's that a lot. Did he mention how much he misses her? Yes, he supposes he did, hard not to considering it's all he thinks about. He wonders if anyone even believes him about this whole sham-marriage thing and wondees if facing the humiliation of backing out is better than possibly chasing Cuddy away forever. He remembers how gob-smacked he was when she exclaimed that her and Lucas were engaged. Was she hurting as much as he was then? Is she hurting as much as he is now? He knew that they needed to talk, even if nothing was mended, they couldn't just leave it like this. He's willing to do whatever she asks just for another chance, pray's to a god he tries hard not to believe in for just one more. He can do better, he knows it. Now, if only she knew it…

He's walking past her office now, tells himself he wont look in but dammit if his body actually listens to him. His head swivels and he finds her sitting in a ball, sunken into her office couch across from Wilson, tears dripping down her face, her eyes no longer that beautiful blue, more of a drab grey. The little bit left of his heart still beating starts to break and he wonders if he's broken her. His ice blue eyes flicker when he notices Wilson moving. Startled, he takes a step back, mistakenly thinking he was about to be noticed. Cuddy grasps the lifeline that good ole' Jimmy offers, clinging to it desperately.

Over the beating of his racing heart, her voice floats to his ears, he can't make out exactly what she's saying, but it's enough to finally break him. "…miss him, Wilson. I keep thinking it's fixable….does he not understand….hard it is without him?" Dutiful Wilson assures her it **will** get better, it has to.

He feels as though he's been kicked, his eyes burn and blur at the edges and he wonders if this is what people meant when they said love sucked. It definitely did. He's still staggering between actually fighting for something besides the mystery and taking the easy and hurtful way out. He peers back through the glass doors and see's her fingers caressing the only gift he gave her, the drug used to dose Mrs. Cuddy and Wilson. It's at that point that he knows, he **knows**, he doesn't want to break her, and if she's already broken then he will trade all the puzzles in the world to mend her back together, and be the man she needs. She was and still is the only woman for him, there **is **no one else. Lisa Cuddy, pain in the ass, is his truth. Everybody knows how far he'll go for the truth, no matter what.

A/N Let me know what you think, even if it sucked. really. Thanks for reading! oh, should i continue?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here's chapter two, I got anxious waiting and decided to just go for it. Hope you enjoy it, drop me a review to let me know how I'm doing. I don't own House or it's characters, nor am I looking for any monetary gain, I'm just using my brain to cheer myself up.

Morning sunlight filtered through the curtains as House blinked his eyes open, yawning as he rubbed sleep from his eyes. Sitting up, he eyed the Vicodin bottle sitting on the bedside table, opting instead to dig through the drawer for the extra strength Ibuprofen he had haphazardly tossed in there. Pulling out the bottle he flipped the lid and hastily tossed two into his mouth, dry swallowing with a grimace. Slowly, he limped to the bathroom to relieve himself and take a shower, feeling oddly refreshed after spending the night alone, trying to figure out some sort of plan.

Standing bare-chested in front of the bathroom mirror, House eyes himself for the first time since he took that fateful pill that ruined everything that was important to him. He looks tired and haggard, but with a distinct sparkle behind his eyes. Signifying excitement about what's to come and hopes like hell it'll all work out. He needed her in his life. He hastily brushes his teeth and hops in the shower, his reflection fading into steam and soap bubbles. He finds it in himself to whistle a happy little tune while bathing himself.

The _whoosh _of the doors greet him as he enters the hospital, eyes darting, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. She's not to be found in the lobby though, and he trudges through the throng of people to the elevators, thinking it was time he had a visit with Wilson. Reaching the elevator, he jabs his cane at the button and steps into it when it arrives. Pushing the button for the fourth floor, he begins tapping his cane on the floor in a short staccato rhythm while the car ascends. A moment later he is walking down the hallway and flinging the door to Wilson's office wide open, actually taking time for one to see if he's with a patient or not. Though he's not sure if it is out of actually consideration or just an old habit of putting off this sort of thing.

Wilson darts his eyes up towards the open door and lowers his pen when he realized who has entered his office. He hasn't spoken to House much, and while he tries to understand the utterly stupid decisions his friend has been making, it's getting increasingly hard to do so. Though one could understand the feeling if they were friends with both sides of this catastrophe. Setting back into his chair, he watches silently as House lowers himself into the office chair adjacent to his desk as opposed to the couch like all the other times before. Crossing his hands atop the desk, he raises an eyebrow before speaking. "Morning House.." he trails off, unsure of his friends' temperament. He is slightly shocked by the seriousness of his friends gaze as their eyes connect for the first time. Puckering out his lips, Houses' quiet question brings Wilson out of his thoughts "How is she?" He knows that part of him doesn't want to hear the answer, he had seen for himself just how she was yesterday and it's not something he really needs explained. "She's a mess House, You're pummeling an opponent who isn't even fighting back" These words make House lower his head in shame and Wilson detects the faintest of nods before continuing "She loves you, god knows why, after what you've thrown in her face the last couple of days. She misses you and keeps asking herself if she made a mistake. Asking if she over-reacted out of anger or if you really deserved to be dumped." Wilson felt guilty for divulging all of this information to someone who really didn't deserve to know but he thought if he could just talk some sense into his longtime friend then all would be well.

House closed his eyes briefly when they started to burn again, damn..what **is** that? He manages to swallow the lump forming in his throat to choke out a response. "I slipped Wilson, it was one pill. I-" The bang of Wilson's closed fist on the desk startles him out of speaking, raising his head he is shocked by the amount of fury in the brunette's eyes. "I may be your friend, but I will not sit here and listen to you try to justify your actions when you're the one who screwed up, House. Take responsibility and stop blaming everyone else. She **loves** you, and you're dragging her and you're relationship through the mud". A few minutes of heavy breathing passes as House tries to formulate something..anything to say. "I miss her, but I can't be the man that she needs me to be, I think that's incredibly obvious. She needs more and there's nothing that I can do about it, no matter how much I want to." Feeling safe enough to re-establish eye contact, House turns lost eyes to Wilson, silently begging for a reprieve..some sort of help in this. Almost desperately he whispers "Help me fix this Jimmy, I have to fix this."

Setting back into his desk chair, Wilson relaxes his shoulders and lets out a deep sigh before speaking. "You have to be serious about this, House. I will not help you hurt her again. She's had enough of hurt to last a lifetime. " Brown eyes bore into blue and across the desk, House nods his answer.

A/N : Continue? House may seem OOC and this fic probably wont follow cannon, pathetic or not, I'm having a bit of trouble stomaching this arc. Anyway, let me know what you think! Thanks for reading…oh and yes, I did steal that line from the promo.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I don't own the show or any of the characters. So, here's chapter 3, I hope you all are enjoying the story so far, let me know what you think, your ideas or even constructive criticism. I'm fairly new at this and help is very much appreciated. This chapter is from Cuddy's POV, which I think is extremely important.

Lisa Cuddy had no idea what to think. It was official, her brain was finally fried. Twenty long years of knowing him, ten of dealing with him on a daily basis, and a few short months of knowing him intimately and her brain had finally surrendered. She was so tired, tired of everything involving him. Frustrated beyond belief that this how it turned out and so incredibly wounded by her own choice. Stupid as it might have been, it was right at the time. She was a smart and successful woman but she was beginning to wonder if she was right in the head sometimes. She loved him. _Loved _him, truly. Not the kind that you have to convince yourself that you feel, but something that came naturally, it must have because she sure as hell didn't ask for it. Nobody in their right mind would **ask** for this kind of pain. The pain of loving someone who refuses to break out of his world where everything sucks and the only thing that is honestly real is pain. Hadn't he had enough of pain? She sure had. Massaging her temples, Cuddy tries like hell to obliterate this desolate feeling, the feeling on longing and failure. She missed him…all of him. Her talk with Wilson had helped for a moment, it's hard to believe that things will get better when she can barely repress the urge to vomit when she thinks of House's activities of the past few days. His way of coping was so sickening. The funny thing was, was that she had the fleeting urge to do the same..not spend her savings on a bunch of intricate hookers..but she had wanted to find a 20-something year old in a bar and screw House right out of her heart. When it came down to it, she couldn't do that to him or to herself. She feels almost pathetic that while she's sitting at home or behind her big wooden barrier at work, mourning the loss of her love, he's having the time of his life, without a care in the world. Does he miss her? Think about her? Did he even truly love her? How could he if sleeping with that many other women in that short amount of time was so easy for him?

It's a night, while she's trying desperately to fall asleep that all of these thoughts cross her mind. Sometimes, she swears she can still smell him in the bed next to her and she thinks that she still has one of his shirts lying around somewhere. It would be so easy to slip it on and slink into a world where Vicodin didn't exist and men weren't pigs. However, she may be battered and wounded, but she still had her pride and she wasn't about to stoop to that…just yet anyway. It's also at night that she wonders if ending her brief engagement to Lucas was worth this and while she'd like to say no, she knows that it's a lie. House or no House, Lucas was not the man for her. She knew that all along really, but she felt the need to settle…and she did, for awhile. Rolling onto her back, Cuddy stares at the ceiling in hopes of getting some rest, a memory of House staring up at her from under the bed flitting across her mind before her lids slide shut. It was all so good, before it wasn't anymore.

The distant screeching of her alarm clock is enough to annoy her and she hasn't even opened her eyes yet. She's not ready for the day ahead and she wishes with everything that she has that she could just roll over and ignore the world. Unfortunately for her, even if she didn't have a daughter and a job, her bladder wouldn't be ignored. Walking slowly to the bathroom, she freezes in the doorway when she spots the toothbrush that House had brought to her house after gnawing on hers. She remembers him pulling it out of his pocket in her office doorway, somewhat proud of himself for making that compromise. A sad smile flickers across her face before the heaviness in her heart erases it as quickly as it came.

After finishing in the bathroom, she heads to her closet to get ready, picking out her clothes with care, she slowly dresses into a fitting black skirt with a lavender dress shirt and matching stilettos. Opting to wear her hair down, she puts her watch on and grabs her jacket, exiting her room and heading down the hall to wake Rachel for the day. She remembers how difficult it was yesterday when Rachel had asked for House and she had to fight back tears while trying to explain to a toddler that House wasn't there and wasn't expected there anytime soon. Hoping like hell that today wasn't going to be a repeat, she swings the bedroom door open to find Rachel still sleeping peacefully and decides to let her be for now. Bending down to peck her cheek, Cuddy straightens the blanket and walks quietly out of the room.

Letting Marina in 15 minutes later, she relays that Rachel is still asleep and she was heading into work a little early. She arrives at PPTH ten minutes later and drives smoothly into her parking spot. She notices House pulling into the garage and doubles her step to the elevator before he can even come to a stop. The doors close behind her and she lets out a deep breath..god she really does miss him, but she's not strong enough for another confrontation..not yet. Heading into the lobby, she walks straight to her office and deposits her jacket and briefcase before sitting down and focusing her mind on work. One of the first things she notices is a blue folder. With a heavy sigh, she makes her way back out of her office and across the lobby to the elevators. Entering the car, she pushes the gleaming '4' with a forceful push, settling back to enjoy the short ride. She had really hoped to avoid this longer and hoped that he would make it easy on her and keep his mouth shut for once. She was too damn raw for any of his barbs this morning. She stuttered slightly in her step when the doors opened and she saw that his office was still dark, wondering at her luck, she continued on. Her heels tapping the tiles of the floor with every step that she took. Pushing open the door she walked over to his desk. Peeking back at the door, she set the folder down and picked up the tennis ball, after bouncing it a few times, she looks at the desk and her heart hammers before stopping for a beat. The balls drops and rolls across the floor after bouncing off her shoe. She reaches with a trembling hand towards the object that's making her wonder if she's having a heart attack. On the desk is a picture, one of the only pictures they took during their time together. They are sitting on her bed, her between his legs with her back against his chest. His chin is resting on her shoulder and her head is leaned against his. Their hands are entwined across her middle and she remembers how **good** it felt to be with him like that. Still shaking, she traces a finger across his face while using the other hand to block the sob that wants to escape. Suddenly, she hears the distinct sound of House clearing his throat behind her and she whirls around with the picture still in hand. House automatically takes a step forward when he notices what she's holding but stops when he notices her trembling body and lone tear sliding down her cheek. Now it's his turn for arrhythmia and he wonders why his lungs are burning before he remembers to breath. His eyes lock onto hers and he wishes he could just envelope her into his arms. Into the shelter of his chest. The arrival of his team in the other room snaps her back to reality and she drops the picture before almost running past him and out of the office.

Her scent lingers for a second and he takes a deep breath before making a beeline for the picture sitting on the floor. Stooping down, he picks it up and holds it tight between his fingers, swearing that it's still warm from her hand. Making his way around the desk, he gingerly tucks the picture into a drawer before dropping heavily into his chair. Running a hand through his hair, he ponders the suggestion that Wilson made last night. That if he couldn't **say** what he was feeling..he could maybe write it and actually get it right for once. Then he would just have to make sure she read it. He didn't want her to read it for him..he wanted her to read it for herself. He owed her that much.

A/N: Thanks for reading and I really hope you enjoyed it. I know it might be a bit slow, but it will pick up and I'm thinking that the rating will change to M eventually. Anyway, let me know what you think, I could really use some feedback.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey all! Thank you all so much for all the reviews, it's helped a lot. I struggled a bit with this chapter, as I warned before, House might be OOC but I didn't want him to be TOO out there. Anyway, here's the next chapter and I hope you all enjoy it, I aimed for some length this time, let me know what you think.

It's a long time after his team has gone home that House sits at his desk, staring through the glass, eyes boring into the floor like it does in fact, hold all the answers. His fingers are tapping impatiently on top of the desk, next to a single sheet of paper. He may be brilliant, but at the moment, his mind is running a mile a minute and he can't believe how hard this and can't fathom why people would actually choose to do this on a daily basis. People who endure this just because are idiots. He's having a hell of a time and he has yet to write on single word, never mind a whole letter. He attempts to think of this objectively and wonders if maybe that had been his problem the whole time. The fact that he doesn't let himself become emotionally involved. When he does, there is always a limit, he's always looking to dodge that issue before it even presents itself. With clarity, he sees that if he had put as much effort into making her happy as he had in trying to keep himself safe, this letter probably wouldn't be needed in the first place.

With a deep sigh, he picks up the pen and jots down a few words before screwing up his face with distaste and hastily balling up the piece of paper and dropping it into the trashcan sitting next to this desk. Idly, he wonders if it would be as meaningful if he just had Wilson write the damn thing. No, he thinks, Wilson would screw it up with flowery words and promises that House knew he wouldn't be able to keep. He really had no idea that it would be this hard when he decided that this was going to be his first move. It wasn't even the feelings part, because he had plenty of those. It was that he didn't know what the simple point of the letter should be. Was it going to be an apology? An attempt to get her back? He wasn't sure yet, but what he did know was that he wasn't going to get any of it done here. Home was calling him and while he didn't necessarily look forward to spending another night alone, he knew that it's what was needed to focus and actually accomplish something.

Without a sound, he rose from his desk and slipped into his jacket. Slinging his bag over his shoulder and grabbing his cane, he limped out of his office and down the hall. He remembered coming out of the elevator this morning and seeing her in his office, her shapely behind was the first thing he noticed, but the pang that hit next was definitely more important. He limped as quietly as he could so as not to startle her and he simply watched. She looked tired, that was for sure and he suddenly remembered that she was recovering from surgery and longed to ask her how she was recuperating. Sensing a shift in the atmosphere, he ran his eyes back up to her head and saw that she had turned her face a bit, and at the strangled sob, he knew what she was looking at. Quickly he went to step forward, only to realize that he didn't want to explain why the photograph was sitting on his desk. At that point, he just wanted her to give it back. It was all he had left of what used to be his. He wasn't sure if he was expecting her to rip it in two before stomping on It with her death-heels but he knew that he **wasn't **expecting her to loosen her fingers and run out of the room while it fluttered down to the floor.

Arriving home he realized that he had been on autopilot, he couldn't remember exiting the hospital and the drive to his apartment. Off-handedly he thought he should eat something but he wasn't in the mood to relieve his stomach pain. The pain in his chest a much bigger priority. As he slouched lazily on the couch his thoughts drifted to her, it was going on nine p.m. and he thought she might be snuggled on the couch with a book or most likely snuggled on the couch with her laptop and numerous files that never seemed to be able to wait for the next day. He wondered what she might be wearing and if she was thinking about him. Just like that, his brain started rolling out thoughts of how he missed her and dammit, he **loved** her. Only her and he what he would to have her back, a pill flushing party maybe or would she want him to beg? He didn't know if he could handle that. Begging for more in the throes of passion and lust was one thing…but getting down on his knees and begging for forgiveness wasn't really his style. Not that getting down on his knees was very easy for him. Closing his eyes, he began to write to her in his mind, which for some reason was a hell of a lot easier that writing it on paper. .

_Cuddy,_

_I know that what I did was hurtful and wrong. I betrayed you when you needed me the most. I've hurt you before, many times, but never like that. I was thinking about relieving my own pain and not about helping you through yours. You needed to know that you weren't alone and that you had someone to help you through it and I failed. I failed miserably. Part of me keeps hoping that you'll come back, fight with me viciously but love me enough to look past my billionth mistake. The rational part of me realizes that probably won't happen and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm also hoping that in a couple of months I'll stop hoping for you to come back and after that I'll stop wishing. I never realized exactly how much you meant to me until now and it's a shame because I never treated you with the amount of love and respect that I felt for you. My mistake made me realize that I need you, I really do. _

_I've never really regretted anything that I've ever done until now. I regret taking that pill so much that it aches and I wanted to let you know that I'm so very sorry, Lisa. If there is any way, __**any**__ way, for use to move past this and work towards out relationship just one last time, please let me know. I can only hope that you are reading this and didn't just throw it away. I know that you're angry and hurt, but I don't want you to ever again doubt that I love you. _

_-House_

Flicking open his eyes, House was startled by the fall of tears dripping from his eyes. While he knew the reason for it, he also knew that he felt a little relieved that he was trying. Trying to bridge the gap between them and repair something that was so damn difficult but so worth it. He could only hope that she still felt the same because he didn't know what the fall out would be like if she didn't.

Twenty minutes later after stuffing his letter into an envelope addressed to her, he slid into bed and ran a palm over her side, smiling a little to himself at the thought that she might be back there soon. Not knowing that across town, the object of his thoughts was doing the same but without the positive nugget of information that he had.

A/N: How did I do? Don't be shy! Reviews are awesome and you guys rock. Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: So here's the new chapter. I feel as though I'm annoying you all with the explosion of chapters but it's all been sitting inside my brain for awhile and it needs to come out. Also, there probably won't be very much medical stuff, which sucks because they're doctors, but I'm really bad at that part. The dialogue is scary enough for me lol. Hope you enjoy it and please leave a review, I love to read them and any ideas, thoughts, even corrections are welcome. Very welcome.

The next morning it was easier for him to decide between Vicodin and Ibuprofen. It was also easier to make the commute to the hospital, House felt less bogged down by misery and a bit lifted by hope. Hope..such a foreign feeling for him. Being brought up in a house where hope was for sissies and pain made you a man. He would never admit it to anyone, but he was scared shitless about taking this first step. Going out on a limb that he wasn't even sure of because he needed her in his life. Boss and employee wasn't enough. Not for him. He can't imagine permanently going back to before they started dating…not after all the things he had experienced in their brief time together. He was scared of being rejected..again. Alas, the need to make things right and the need to be free to touch her whenever he pleased overran the fear and doubt that seemed hopelessly buried deep inside him. She could just laugh at his attempt send him a stone-cold no. Making him feel like a bigger idiot than he already felt like. On the bright side, if that did happen, he would just pass the blame onto Wilson. He was always good for that. House closes his eyes tightly to stem that thought. It wouldn't do anybody any good to keep thinking that way. The only purpose it would serve was to talk himself right out of his only chance of a reconciliation. Opening his eyes, he resumed his trek into her office, knowing that she wouldn't be in yet. He made sure to get up early to avoid that. His frayed nerves couldn't handle any more than this single objective at the moment. As he shut the office door behind him, his mind strayed briefly to his team. He wondered how they were doing with the patient. He'd been so busy planning and agonizing about Cuddy that he'd been rather neglectful to his medicinal duties. More than usual, that is. Last he knew, the patient was experiencing rapid weight loss, radiating chest pain, periodic numbness in the hands and feet, and was running a slight fever. Dropping the letter onto the desk, he situated it so that she would be unable to miss it. Taking one last second to run his fingers across her desk, he then slowly limped out of her office and headed towards his own.

[H][H][H]

Lisa Cuddy was a patient person. She really was, but if this traffic didn't _**move**_ in the next thirty seconds, she was likely to blow a gasket. She felt as if she was on a downward spiral of bitterness and desperation. The only problem was that she had no idea how to fix it, her brain seemed to automatically put up a wall whenever she tried to figure it out. Her methodical system of working through stress and problematic situations was a must for her job. Unfortunately, just like everything else it seemed, whatever she excelled at as the Dean of Medicine at a top hospital, she sucked at in her personal life. She was never one for self-pity either but lately it seemed she couldn't catch a break. Leaning forward she rested her head on the steering wheel, hoping to at least make it to the confines of her office before having a complete meltdown. With the exception of the occasional bout of crying, she had yet to really vent anything out. As she pondered the idea of seeing someone, someone who could help, the traffic started to crawl before approaching the actual speed limit. Stubborn as she was, she decided that it was a sign that she wasn't at a point yet where she needed professional help and continued driving, outwardly calm, to the hospital.

As she fumbled for her briefcase in the backseat and exited the vehicle she took a look around and the only thought she had was that life went on. Always. And so, she walked on, into the hospital. After stopping quickly at the desk in the lobby to greet the receptionist and get her mail and messages, she continued into her office. About five feet from her sanctuary she was approached by Dr. Chase. Swearing under her breath, she turned around to face him, raising questioning eyes to the younger Doctor. "What's the problem?" Tapping her foot impatiently she implored him to answer her quickly so she could enter her office. "No problem..just wondered if you were alright is all.." A gentle smile punctuated his words and she wondered if he had had the balls to ask House that question at all. With a quick smile of her own, false as it was, she replied with "I'm fine, thanks." and turned her back, resuming her walk to her office. She opened the door and flicked on the light, dropping her briefcase next to the coat rack before continuing to her desk. As she takes off her jacket she muses at her sanity when she catches a whiff of old-spice and musky-man smell. She knows that smell..what she doesn't know is if House has actually been in her office or if her mind is screwing with her again. Sliding lazily into her desk chair, she wonders for the thousandth time about her sanity. _**Is**_ she alright? She is for the moment, she supposes. There is absolutely no telling how long that will last though. Lightly thumping her hands on the arm rests of her chair she thinks to herself that this is somewhat how House must of felt at Mayfield. The flip flop thinking between crazy or not. Shaking her head, she wonders _**again**_ why she can't manage five minutes without him popping obnoxiously into her head. Shaking her hair out of her face, she finally turns her eyes to her desk. Immediately she spots a lone envelope with very familiar handwriting scrawled across the front. Her name, spoken so intimately before, popping out against the white enclosure. With trembling fingers she reaches for the object, biting her lip against the sudden wave of emotion rushing through her. Holding the envelope between her hands she wonders if she's about to be in need of a new department head. Telling herself that this time, she wouldn't try to stop him. She just didn't have the strength to fight for something that he didn't want again. As she rips the paper open impatiently her heart takes a sudden plunge into her stomach as she begins to read.

_Cuddy,_

_I know that what I did was hurtful and wrong. I betrayed you when you needed me the most. I've hurt you before, many times, but never like that. I was thinking about relieving my own pain and not about helping you through yours. You needed to know that you weren't alone and that you had someone to help you through it and I failed. I failed miserably. Part of me keeps hoping that you'll come back, fight with me viciously but love me enough to look past my billionth mistake. The rational part of me realizes that probably won't happen and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm also hoping that in a couple of months I'll stop hoping for you to come back and after that I'll stop wishing. I never realized exactly how much you meant to me until now and it's a shame because I never treated you with the amount of love and respect that I felt for you. My mistake made me realize that I need you, I really do. _

_I've never really regretted anything that I've ever done until now. I regret taking that pill so much that it aches and I wanted to let you know that I'm so very sorry, Lisa. If there is any way, __**any**__ way, for use to move past this and work towards out relationship just one last time, please let me know. I can only hope that you are reading this and didn't just throw it away. I know that you're angry and hurt, but I don't want you to ever again doubt that I love you. _

_-House_

As she finishes the letter she notices that paper is now dotted with wet spots and realizes that she's crying. The paper falls to her lap and she covers her face with both hands, violently shaking from both his words and the torrent of thoughts forcing themselves through her brain. The first thought that registered was that there was no way in hell that House actually wrote this himself, he didn't speak like this. He didn't even _**think**_like this. Suddenly she remember the look in his eyes as he begged her not to leave him. Cuddy picked up the letter once more and ran her fingers gently over the last line. Maybe he could have written this..she hoped like hell that he did. After everything she had been through in the past few weeks, the last thing she needed was to make a fool of herself. Sitting back in her chair with a deep sigh, she calmed herself while picking up the telephone and dialing Wilson's number. She hoped he was in because she had absolutely no desire to wait.

[H][H][H]

Fifteen long minutes later Wilson was tapping at her door and she was waving him in impatiently. When he reached her desk and shot her a concerned look. Cuddy all but shoved the letter in his face, demanding to know what game House was playing at.

"What the hell is this Wilson?" Tears started to gather behind her eyes and she stubbornly kept them there, she was done crying over him. "Did you have a good laugh helping him with this? After everything that we talked about..everything that I shared with you, and this is how you show that you care? That you give a damn?" Wilson rounds the desk quickly and grabs her by the shoulders, holding tighter as she tries to fight him off. "NO, Lisa. This is real, very real and very serious." Looking into her eyes he exclaims "I didn't write this, nor did I help him write this." Letting go of her shoulders he takes a step back and watches as she seems to collapse into her chair. He rubs the back of his neck as he begins speaking quietly. " He asked me how you were, said that he missed you and that he wanted and needed to fix it." Cuddy turns her head up to look for truth in his eyes. Biting her lip so hard that she drew blood, she whispers "Fix this? How does he think he's going to fix it Wilson? It's not that easy…you can't just slap a Band-Aid over it and shout ta-da!" She viciously swipes at the tears that are now leaking down her face. No longer possessing the strength to keep them in. She inhales deeply as Wilson begins speaking again. "I don't know what his plan is really, but I know that he is serious and that he wants it more than anything. He knows it's going to take awhile and that he needs to go slowly, but he recognizes that he made a mistake, Lisa, and he's reaching out in a way that he never has before because he loves you enough to do so." As his pager beeps, he makes his way to the door. "Just think about what he said in that letter, really think about it. If you turn him down, I bet he wont ever try again. You're not the only one suffering from this."

As the door closes behind him, she begins to think. She's caught between thinking that she's relieved and that maybe things **will **start to get better, and wondering if things will go back to the way they were, just to repeat this awful occurrence again in a few months. The next time that things get tough. Tucking the letting inside her purse, she contents herself with thinking. She needs time to think before she does or says anything. One thing she cant keep in is the tender smile that flits across her face when she begins her paperwork and remembers his words. "_I don't want you to ever doubt that I love you" _She realizes that with all of her doubts, the fact that she loved him was never on the list.

A/N: comments? Corrections? I liked writing this chapter, a lot. Next up is a possible House/Cuddy meeting. Not sure yet, let me know what you think, suggestions for what you'd like to see happen. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hey guys, new chapter here. Thanks for the reviews! Silent readers, don't be shy! Enjoy.

House was nervously pacing the length of his office. Switching between biting on his finger nail and running a hand through his hair, he thought he would go crazy if he had to wait much longer.

He had dropped off the letter in Cuddy's office hours ago and without a patient, the time was crawling by. Fed up with the numerous trips around his office, he changes course and decides to go bother Wilson.

The oncologist is on the phone when House enters the room and atypically, House quietly waits for the call to end.

"I'll see you next week, Dave. 7 am at the golf course, we can discuss those trials while we're at it. Okay, bye now." As Wilson returned the phone to the receiver, he glanced at the clock. He was surprised that House had made it this long before coming to bug him about Cuddy.

"What's up, House?" Setting his elbows on the desk, he implored House to start speaking, he did have work to do after all.

"Oh nothing, just came to chat with my best buddy Jimmy." House had yet to sit anywhere, he was way too wired to sit calmly anywhere.

"Really? Well, chat away about nothing then, but I do have a patient coming in less than ten minutes, so whatever this nothing is, say it quickly."

Looking at the floor, House taps his cane on the carpet a few times before raising his eyes to meet Wilson's. "She hasn't said anything yet, it's been almost five hours. I'm going crazy with all the waiting..how do I know that she even read it."

"All you can do is wait, you took the first step and now the ball is in her court. It sucks, I know, but you have to be patient. You really can't expect her to just come running because you apologized. Give her time. She did read it by the way, so stop worrying about that part." Returning his eyes to his desk, he resumed filling out his charts and wasn't surprised to hear the door shut behind his friend.

So, she had read it, but she didn't have anything to say about it? House wasn't buying it. Cuddy always had something to say.

As he returned to his office, he wondered if he shouldn't have waited longer before trying to patch things up. He wondered if he should have even tried to fix things at all. Maybe she didn't want things to be fixed.

An hour later, he gave waiting in his office. Heading down to the cafeteria, House realized that he wasn't even hungry, but he needed something to do with his hands.

Hiding a steak under some salad, as usual, he found an empty table and sat down heavily. He pushed the green leaves around with his fork and stared blandly at the plate. From behind him, he heard the oh so familiar click clack of heels and his heart jumped in his chest. At this moment in time, he wondered why he had been tired of waiting, being this nervous about what she had to say, he would have been happy to wait months for a reply.

As Cuddy say across from him, he raised his eyes to her and shot her a quick embarrassed smile. She didn't smile back and he knew she wasn't there with good news.

Clearing her throat before speaking, she said softly. "I got your letter. It means a lot to me that you apologized. You were right about us both making mistakes. It was both of our faults. But I need sometime to think. I-" She was cut off by her blackberry beeping, signaling an incoming text message. Flicking her eyes down to the screen, she saw that it was from Marina.

"Sorry, I have to take this." Locking eye with him, she dialed her home phone and waited patiently for the nanny to pick up.

"Marina? Hi, its Lisa. I got your message. Is everything okay?" Taking a deep breath, Cuddy zoned out as the words her nanny was saying sunk in.

With a thick accent, Marina answered. Speaking softly but with a distinct sense of alarm. "I'm not sure, Dr. Cuddy. It's Rachel, I think that she is sick. I haven't been able to get her to eat anything today and she hasn't had to used the bathroom. She was saying that she had a tummy ache and so I rubbed it trying to get her to lie down and it feels bloated. I don't know what is going so I thought it would be best to call you." The sound of alarm in the woman's voices increases as she goes on and Cuddy rises from the table.

"You have to stay calm Marina. I'm leaving right now, I should be there in about fifteen minutes."

House grabs her wrist gently "Is everything okay?"

"I don't know. I have to go." With wild eyes, she departs from the cafeteria with House boring holes into her back.

Arriving home fifteen minutes later, Cuddy walks hastily into the house, calling for the nanny.

Marina appears in the doorway of Rachel's bedroom and Cuddy begins in that direction.

"Does she have a fever at all?" Sitting next to Rachel on the bed, she runs her hand across the little girl's forehead. She is extremely warm and beads of sweat have formed along her hairline.

"I checked her temperature when I got off the phone with you, Dr. Cuddy. It was 102.5. I stripped her down to her underwear and put her under the sheets. She is irritable and lethargic." The Spanish woman is chewing on her fingernails and looking nervously between the toddler and adult.

Cuddy stands and bends down the lift the girl, intending to bring her into the bathroom for a cool bath. As she enters the small washroom and sets the girl down on the floor she notices that Rachel had had an accident.

"Rachel? Rachel honey, did you have an accident?"

Rachel swats her mother's hands away "Tummy hurts mommy. "

Running a hand through her daughters hair, she calmly replies "I know it does honey. We're going to try going potty, okay?"

"I don't want to, I want to sleep" Seeing that the toddler was getting upset, Cuddy decided that the girl would let her know if she needed to use the bathroom.

"We're going to get you cleaned up and then back in bed sweetie, it won't take long, I promise" Starting the water, Cuddy filled the tub with about six inches of water, lukewarm instead of hot, and helped the little girl climb in.

After washing the girl quickly and wrapping her in a pale yellow towel, Cuddy asks marina to change her bed sheets while she dresses the girl.

Five minutes later, Rachel is snuggled under a light blanket. She has dozed off again and Cuddy takes the chance to change out of her work clothes and make a phone call.

After informing her assistant that she wouldn't in for the rest of the day, Cuddy met Marina in the kitchen. The nanny has been brewing coffee and Cuddy accepted the cup of steaming liquid gratefully.

"I'm sorry Dr. Cuddy, I should have called you earlier but I didn't want to pull you away from work unless it was needed. I know how busy you are."

Cuddy looked at the nanny and spoke calmly "It's okay Marina, it's not your fault. It's probably just a cold. If her fever gets any higher, I'll bring her in, but other than that, she has appointment with her pediatrician next week."

Thirty minutes later, Marina had left for home and Cuddy was sitting on the couch with a book. She was brought out of her dream in a package by a scream from Rachel's room.

Dropping the book, Cuddy ran down the hallway, when she entered the bedroom, Rachel was holding her stomach with a sweaty face.

"My tummy mommy, my tummy hurts and I had an accident."

As Cuddy reached the toddler, she retrieved her phone from her pocket, lifting Rachel from the bed, she noticed that the girl's underwear is tinged with red. Alarm bells sound of in the doctors head and she hastily dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency" The calm voice on the other end of the line failed to calm Cuddy and she spoke hastily while dressing the girl.

" I need an ambulance at 984 Dutton Rd. My daughter has blood in her urine and a fever of 102.5. She's complaining of a stomach ache and she's lethargic."

"Stay calm, ma'am, the ambulance is on the way." Thanking the woman, Cuddy brought Rachel to the front of the house and slipped on her shoes.

As soon as they were settled in the ambulance, Cuddy told the EMT to take them to Princeton Plainsboro.

"Princeton general is closer by at least five minutes" Glancing at the paramedic, Cuddy told him firmly.

"I want her at Plainsboro, I'm Lisa Cuddy, the Dean of Medicine there." Nodding his acquiesce, he continued inserting the IV into the toddlers hand.

House had been reading a magazine in his office, wondering about what had made Cuddy run off so quickly. By the snippet of conversation that he heard, he knew that it had something to do with Little Cuddy. He wouldn't ever admit it but he hoped the little girl was okay. The last thing Cuddy needed was another health scare.

He was brought out of his brooding by heavy breathing from the doorway. Looking up, he locks eyes with Foreman.

Taking a second to catch his breath, he walked into the room and finally spoke. "I don't know if this matters at all to you, but Cuddy and Rachel were just brought into the ER by ambulance. I thought you might want to know."

Startled, House quickly rose from his seat, grabbed his cane and walked swiftly passed the younger doctor. His mind was a blur of thoughts and all he wanted was to get down to the emergency room.

After waiting for what felt like a lifetime for the elevator, House stepped out of the metal box and into the ER. It was like he had tunnel vision, all he could focus on was getting to Cuddy and finding out what the hell was going on.

After walking in on three different patients in agony, he finally pulled back the right curtain. As soon as he took a step into the area, Cuddy's bright eyes found his.

For a second, House was unsure of what to say. He could tell that the little girl was in pain and that Cuddy wasn't fairing much better. "What's going on?"

He took a step forward but stopped when Cuddy answered "I don't know. She has stomach pain, fever, and blood in the urine. We just got here and they're still trying to get us into a room.

As soon as she rattled of the symptoms, House knew that it wasn't just the common cold, he knew that his boss wouldn't be able to stay this calm for long. It was just a matter of time before the dam broke and he wanted nothing more to be there for her when it did.

Walking up to the side of the gurney, Rachel spotted him and exclaimed her happiness as seeing him as best as a sick toddler could "How-s!" Her smile tugged at his heartstrings and he realized how much he had missed the little brat. Smiling back, he took a second to glance at Cuddy, seeing that she was holding back tears, he pulled his game boy of his pocket and broke his own rule.

Handing the girl the toy, he quickly showed her how to use it before heading to the other side of the bed. Wedging himself in between Cuddy and the bed, he put his hand on her arm.

"Are you alright?" He knew that it was probably a stupid question to ask but he felt the need to say something, he couldn't stand watching her fall apart and he wanted to do whatever he could to help.

Silently, Cuddy shook her head before taking a step back from him. His smell was intoxicating and no matter how much she wanted to bury her face in his chest, she had to resist.

"Don't back away from me Cuddy, I'm here as a friend, to help you. Please, let me help."

Glancing up at him, she spoke in a whisper so Rachel wouldn't overhear.

"No, I'm not okay, my daughter is sick and I'm barely holding on as it is." Shaking her head, she rubbed a hand across her forehead before continuing. " You should be in the clinic, you owe me three hours today."

"I should be here, I already made the mistake of leaving you in the hospital alone once, remember?" He felt like a jerk for bringing it up. He really should work on actually thinking about what to say before he opens his mouth.

They were interrupted by a nurse informing Cuddy that Rachel was going to be moved to a private room within the next fifteen minutes. Nodding to the nurse, Cuddy took a deep breath and stepped around House to check on her daughter. Bending at the waist, she brushed a kiss over the girl's forehead.

"Could you stay with her for just a second while I use the restroom?" She hadn't wanted to ask because she knew he was uncomfortable being around Rachel by herself, but she couldn't hold it anymore and she didn't want to leave the room once they were admitted.

Nodding his head, House sat in the hard plastic chair next to the bed and watched Cuddy exit the room.

"How are you doing, kid?" Resting his hand on her leg, he felt a little awkward, but he was feeling so much right now that he didn't care how out of character he was acting. He loved Cuddy and he wasn't about to deflect the fact that he cared anymore.

"Belly hurts and I'm cold" With a shiver, she rolled onto her side away from the diagnostician.

Pulling the blanket over Cuddy Jr. House was startled by a hand on his back. Whipping his head around, he relaxed when he saw that it was Cuddy. She whispered her thanks and removed her hand.

He instantly missed the contact. It had been three long weeks since any sort of physical contact between them.

Twenty minutes later, they were situated in a private room. House and Cuddy flanked the sides of the bed, each with a hand on Rachel's legs. Cuddy refused to remove her eyes from Rachel and House couldn't keep his eyes off Cuddy. How he longed to slide a hand through her hair and wrap her up in his arms.

He was startled out of his thoughts by Wilson running into the room and quickly wrapping Cuddy in a tight hug. It seemed that was all she needed to let the tears fall. House watched helplessly as his friend provided the comfort that he had wanted to give her. Looking to the floor he suddenly felt out of place.

That feeling quickly vanished when the monitor started beeping, signaling that Rachel's fever was way too high.

All three adults rushed into action, managing to cool her down. As House removed the ice bag from her stomach, he asked Cuddy harshly "Was her stomach like this when you brought her in?"

He was palpating her stomach with a serious and grim expression on his. As Cuddy neared the bed, he grabbed her fingers and placed them at the area he was talking about.

Shaking her head, she replied breathlessly, "She was bloated but there was no lump, not that I could feel." She couldn't think and the blood was roaring in her ears.

House stepped back from the bed and told Wilson emotionlessly "We need to do an ultrasound and CBC."

As Wilson performed the ultrasound, House and Cuddy stood at the end of the bed. She had one arm folded across her abdomen and a hand over her mouth. She was restless and House noticed. Gently, he removed her hand from her face and entwined his fingers with hers at their sides.

Keeping his eyes on Wilson's face, he looked for any sort of tell. Whether it was good or bad news, he wanted to be prepared. He could feel his heart drop to his stomach when he saw the oncologists eyes narrow and focus on the screen.

"What is it?" He was surprised that the voice belonged to him and not Cuddy. He had started rubbing his thumb along the back of her hand to calm her when the appendage started to tremble.

"I'm not sure, it looks like a mass but-" He was cut off by Cuddy.

"A mass? Wilson, s-she's a toddler, she can't have cancer!"

Her voice had gone hysterical and House closed his eyes briefly, this couldn't be happening again. Hadn't they gone through enough?

"I didn't say it was cancer, it could just be a cyst." Wilson was trying to keep his voice professional and calm but he was definitely struggling. "The mass is on her kidney. We need to do a biopsy to know more."

"A biopsy? Wilson…" Cuddy interrupted. Her little girl was really sick and she didn't know what to think. She turned her eyes to Rachel who was still playing the game boy, without a care in the world. If only she knew how serious this could be.

As Wilson left to schedule the biopsy for the following morning. House hooked his cane to the end of the bed and finally did something right. Without hesitation, he pulled Cuddy into his arms and buried his face into her hair.

Her entire body was trembling and he let out a sigh when he felt her arms go around his middle. With tears in his eyes he quietly told her "I'm here Cuddy. We're going to get through this. I'm not going anywhere."

She was sobbing now, but she nodded her head and buried her face into his chest. She needed him and she was thankful that he was there.

They stayed locked in their embrace until there was a tap on the door.

Taub entered the room and looked around briefly before stating "We have a patient. 16 year old male, seizure, rash, and vomiting."

House didn't pull back from Cuddy as he looked in the direction of the door. "I'm busy, Foreman can lead this one. My family needs me." He barked out. Yeah, he wasn't going anywhere.

A/N: Serious stuff. Please, tell me what you think! Reviews are appreciated and I hope you liked it. More to come soon. I sort of have the direction of the fic planned out, but it might change. Silent readers, don't be shy. Reviews are my Vicodin. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Thanks for reading! **-HA33 BTW, **as I'm new to writing, I don't really have a grasp on the beta thing yet, but it seems like a good thing to have. Any Volunteers, send me a message.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hiya guys, I'm back with the next chapter. I'm bogged down with the flu, so if you see any mistakes, please forgive my fuzzy head. Thank you SO MUCH for your lovely reviews. They made my day. I don't own the show or any of the characters, just having a bit of fun. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think.

It was nearing ten o'clock that night and both Rachel and Cuddy had fallen asleep. They were curled up in the hospital bed under the scratchy white blanket.

House had lowered the lights before sitting in the plastic chair next to the bed. Gently, he had propped his feet up onto the end of the bed with his feet crossed at the ankles.

His cell phone gently vibrated at his hip and after removing it from his belt and looking at the screen, he rose to meet Wilson in the hallway.

Shutting the door softly behind him, he turned his analytical eyes to Wilson. The oncologist was rubbing the back of his neck tiredly as he quietly spoke.

"I scheduled a biopsy for 9:00 a.m. tomorrow" House nodded at his friend before speaking.

"You're going to perform it right?" There was a sense of urgency in his tone and he didn't care if Wilson noticed it.

"Of course. Like either you or Cuddy would let anyone else." Smiling smugly, he resumed. "You spending the night here?" After receiving a nod, he told House to try and get some rest before departing.

Entering back into the room, he scanned the monitors before heading back to his chair. Taking a deep breath, he slowly lowered himself.

His eyes were gritty and tired but he knew there would be no rest for him tonight. Not only was he worried about Rachel, but he was worried for Cuddy too. He had missed her, so much. He flicked his eyes up to trace her face and smiled to himself at seeing her lips set in a soft pout and he thought about how much he missed kissing those lips. As far as he was concerned, the letter didn't exist. It had taken a quick backseat after hearing about Rachel this afternoon. Cuddy was going to need him if the biopsy revealed bad news. He hoped like hell that he would be able to keep himself together for her. She needed to know that she was not alone in this, he **was** here. He and Rachel had bonded like two kids in a sandbox. Sadly, it took losing them both for him to realize exactly how much of an impact they made on his life. He was determined to do whatever was needed to make sure they were back in his life. He finally felt like he could be that guy, that maybe he could make them both happy and safe.

He was startled out of his thoughts by the soft rustling of the blanket, signaling that one of them was moving. Turning his head, he saw that Cuddy was now sitting up, with her back towards him and her legs hanging off the side of the bed.

"Do you need anything?" He still felt a little awkward, not really knowing what to say in these sort of situations, but he was determined to try. Until she kicked him out and told him not to come back, he was going to keep trying.

"I'm too anxious to sleep deeply, your breathing woke me up" Turning her head to face him, she bestowed upon him her familiar smirk.

He felt the strings tighten around his heart a little and returned the smirk.

"Sorry, I try to stop but then I pass out. Maybe that's your aim." Quirking an eyebrow at her, he reveled in her soft laugh.

"Took you long enough to figure me out." The silence between them settled heavily as he bore his eyes into hers, he knew her well enough to know that she needed to vent. Being House, though, it wasn't his thing and he didn't know if he should wait for her to open, or do it himself.

The silence remained, though not awkward. The only sounds in the room were Rachel's soft and even breaths. The generic clock on the wall continued to tick obnoxiously and the machines continued their varied beeping and droning.

Lowering his feet, House leaned on the bed, entwining his fingers together and decided to wait for her to speak.

He didn't have to wait long as she spoke "Thank you for being here, House. You don't know how much it means to me. I know how uncomfortable you in these situations but I really don't want to be alone. I don't think I could do it alone." Her voice was soft and strong but he could see how fragile she really was behind her eyes.

Hoarsely, House spoke "I know that I've been an asshole, Cuddy, but I care a lot for Rachel and I hurt too." Lowering his head, he continued "I'm scared too..not just for her, but for you, too."

Cuddy gently touched her hand to his face, rubbing his ever present stubble with her thumb " I know you do. You always thought that you could hide it so well, but I knew."

Grasping her hand, he brushed his lips over her palm before holding it in his own. "Thank you for allowing me to be here."

"I wouldn't have wanted anyone else." With a sigh, Cuddy roamed her eyes over his face before moving her gaze to Rachel. "I'm scared, House. She was so healthy and happy until today. I feel like I should have noticed something, if only I had been looking."

Hastily, he interrupted her train of thought. "Hey, look at me. This is _not_, your fault. It could have happened to anyone, and we don't even know how bad it is yet. Wilson said it could be a cyst. We can be worried, we will be, but we can't freak out until we know more, deal?" Rubbing his thumb against the back of her hand, he smiled when she replied.

"Deal." Laying back down, she told him that they should try to rest.

Moving back to his relined position, he heard her whisper "Don't let go" and as the strings squeezed his heart again, he managed to choke out a reply.

"Never. Never again" and he squeezed her hand gently before seeing her eyes slip shut.

The sun was barely rising as House stood in front of the window. He had been unable to sleep at all, getting up periodically to check on them both and stretch his leg.

Not wanting to wake either of them with his restless actions, House exited the room and headed to the elevator.

Strapping his helmet onto his head, he realized that he probably should have left a note but he didn't plan on being gone for long. He just wanted to grab a few things.

After racing through the town and enjoying the early hour, House arrived at his apartment. Entering the living room, he headed straight for his bedroom to change and grab a few medical journals.

Fifteen minutes later he was turning onto Cuddy's street and then pulling his bike into her driveway. As he dismounted, it started to rain a bit and he thought of how fitting it was.

Letting himself in, he headed towards Rachel's room to grab her favorite stuffed animal, the small purple puppy with white and pink patches on the ears. Secretly, they had named the toy Sox. He wasn't even sure if Cuddy knew about it, he had went through great lengths to keep it that way. Now, he realized how stupid it was to do that. Why did he always feel the need to hide those kinds of things?

After grabbing two of her favorite coloring books and a box of crayons, he headed to Cuddy's bedroom. He paused in the doorway before using his cane to push the door all the way open. His head reeled as her scent washed over him, secretly pleased that the bedspread was still covering **his** side of the bed, only peeled back on her side.

Locating her phone charger and current reading material, he shoved them into his backpack before heading to her dresser. From the top drawer, he rummaged until he found his favorite pair of panties and a random pair of socks.

Shutting that drawer and opening the next, he pulled out a pair of black yoga pants and a white long sleeved shirt before heading out into the hallway. He wanted to be back before they woke.

Entering the lobby of PPTH, he stopped off to get coffee before entering the elevator that would take him to room 315. As he used his elbow to open the door, his gaze first noticed the empty spot on the bed.

Swiveling his head around the room, he saw Cuddy standing in front of the window, arms crossed in front of her and her shoulders sagging.

"Hey" he must of startled her because she whipped around with a hand at her throat.

"Jesus, House. You scared me. I thought you had left." The relief that he had returned was evident in her eyes and he bit back a smile. Some things just make a man feel good.

In a cheerful voice, he exclaimed "I did, just to grab a few things. Got you some coffee."

She grabbed the cup as if it was her savior and raised to her pursed lips before taking a sip. "Thank you, I didn't sleep that well."

"I know. I didn't really expect you to." Placing his cup of joe on the table beside the bed, he quietly placed his backpack on the bed before opening it a diving a hand inside.

"I brought you a change of clothes and a book. Your phone charger too." As he handed her the items, he met her amused gaze.

"You broke into my house?" She quirked an eyebrow at him and couldn't hide her smirk.

"Ah.." Apparently that was all the response he was capable of.

"Relax, I'll let it slide this time. Just don't make a habit of it."

Snorting, he told her "When has that ever worked before?"

"You have a point. Thank you."

Almost shyly, he lifted the coloring books and crayons from the bag. He tried to hand her the items without looking at her, but she didn't take them. Raising his eyes, he found her smiling.

"How sweet of you.." she teased.

He mocked indignation as he sniffed "Well how am I supposed to play my game if she hogs it again?" He couldn't hold back his own smile this time.

Same old House, Cuddy thought. She wasn't sure if it was the stress or not, but she turned her back to place the books and clothes on the chair. Managing to hide her misty eyes and compose herself before turning back around. She found House placing the stuffed dog next to Rachel under the blanket and her eyes misted again. _Damn it, I will not cry in front of him again. _

Deciding not to call him out on it, she headed towards the locker room to change. She changed as quickly as she could before washing her face and fixing her hair. As she returned to the room, House was sitting in the chair reading a medical journal.

The sun was fully in the sky now, and the light brightened the room, silently she gazed at him and noticed how tired he looked.

"You didn't sleep at all, did you?"

"Not a wink." He was saved from an explanation as Wilson entered the room. It was an hour before he was due to work and he looked as tired as they did.

"Morning guys. I came to see how you were before starting work for the day. I wanted to see if you needed anything." He was sipping his own coffee and was glad to notice that they each already had some.

Cuddy was the one to respond to their friend "No, we're good. Anxious and scared, but that's expected."

Nodding, Wilson walked over to set his coffee down before speaking. "I've scheduled her for the biopsy at 9 and we're going to draw some more blood before then. I wanted to ask you if either of you were going to be in the room or in the observation deck."

He had expected Cuddy to say that she was, of course, going to be in the room but was surprised when she instead told him "Observation deck…I should be there but I don't think I can handle being right next to it, she's my little girl and I have to keep it together. I can't do that if I have to sit a foot away while you stick my baby with a needle."

Surprised, Wilson could only nod before turning his questioning eyes over to House.

House avoided the oncologist's imploring look and focused his sharp eyes on Cuddy.

"Tell me what you want me to do." He was willing to let her call the shots, whatever she needed from him was what he was going to do.

With her voice slightly trembling, she replied while looking him straight in the eyes. "I need you with me. I'm afraid I might fall if you're not there." She meant more than her balance and was relieved to see the flicker of understanding in his eyes.

Turning his gaze to Wilson, he took a deep breath and answered the question "Observation deck it is then."

Nodding, Wilson marveled at how well they could pull together when it was needed. Well, sometimes. He hoped that House had learned his lesson and that Cuddy was on the road to giving him another chance. In his opinion they deserved a real shot at making it work.

The sound of House's pager broke the silence. As he read the screen and stood.

"I need to check on Foreman's patient, I'll be back before Wilson leaves, okay?"

He nodded to Wilson and brushed his pinky finger against Cuddy's hand as he exited the room. He needed some time prepare for what was to come.

Arriving at his office, he was greeted by his team, who obviously had pulled an all nighter. "Patient?"

'Two more seizures and spiked a fever during the night. We started him on broad-spectrum antibiotics and scheduled an MRI, he's stable for now." Chases voice conveyed how tired he was.

Nodding his head, House gave them all a once-over before saying "Good. What time is the MRI?"

Foreman was the one to respond this time "The earliest we could get him in was is 3 o'clock" Using his hand to shield a yawn, he waited for his boss to continue.

"Chase and Taub, go home and sleep. Come back for three. Masters and Foreman, you can head home when they get back."

As Chase and Taub rose and began to collect their things, House caught Foreman's eye and motioned for him to follow him to his office.

As the door shut behind them, House spoke tiredly. "Rachel has a mass on her kidney. Biopsy is at nine. Need you to hold the fort down. Don't page me unless its completely necessary, yeah?"

Shocked for a moment, it took Foreman a second to respond. " Yeah, okay. Give Cuddy my best, and we'll try not to bug you."

With a sharp nod, House headed back down to Rachel's room. He was itching to get back and felt like he had been gone for too long already, even though he had only been gone for twenty minutes tops.

When he entered the room, Wilson made a hasty exit, saying that a patient of his was having complications. As the door swished shut behind him, House made a beeline for Cuddy.

He could tell that her mind was lost and didn't want to disturb her. With bravado that he didn't feel, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. Without hesitation, she returned the embrace.

Hooking his cane to the bedrail, he slowly began swaying with her.

"House, what are you doing?" Surprise as well as confusion was clear in her voice.

"Shh, dance with me. Get lost in this with me, just for a few minutes." As he held her tighter, he slipped his eyes shut and began to sing quietly.

As the words to _Crash into me_ began washing over her, Cuddy took a shuddering breath and rested her head on his chest. He always had a way of knowing what she needed before she did.

House was basking in the feeling flowing through him. One of his regrets about their relationship was that they had never danced. Well, they danced at the wedding, but not like this. They didn't get lost in each others arms and feel at peace for just a moment.

As he continued to sing to her quietly, she realized that **this** is what she wanted. Maybe not right now, but eventually, she wanted this right here. She knew that when it happened, it wouldn't be this serene all the time, but she wanted to be able to crash into him if she needed to, and she wanted him to be able to do the same.

Forty minutes later, both doctors where bent over Rachel, laying kisses on her cheeks and whispering various words. The toddlers little arms were wrapped around each adult's neck and she told them with a smile.

"I love you mommy." Turning her head to House, she motioned for him to turn his head so that she could whisper in his ear.

"You hafta take care of Sox, coz mommy doesn't know 'bout him, member?" With mock seriousness, House nodded to the little girl before standing.

As the little girl was wheeled away, House and Cuddy joined hands and began their trek to the Observation deck.

Before opening the door, House pecked her on the cheek and spoke "Ready?"

With a shake of the head, she told him "No."

"Me either. Ready or not…"

And he led her into the room and up to the glass, standing a step behind her, with one hand on his cane and the other on her hip. He kept light pressure through his fingers to let her know that he was there, in case she needed to crash into him.

A/N: BAM! Sorry if it's moving too slow for some of you, but there is a lot of ground to cover with feelings and such. Review please! They keep me going and I'm hoping they'll chase the flu out of me. I hope you liked it and thanks for reading.

**-HA33**


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Here's chapter 8, hope you enjoy it. Thanks to all of you for the reviews! The aftermath of the biopsy, plus a little alone time for our favorite couple.

The biopsy had went off without a hitch and both House and Cuddy let out a sigh of relief as they exited the observation deck.

Cuddy had cried silently at the scene of her daughter laying unconscious. She had looked so small and fragile. House had kept a steady hand on her at all times, whether it was on her hip or the small of her back. She had foolishly thought that he was unable to see her tears, forgetting that they were standing in front of a glass window.

For his part, House had kept it together fairly well. He felt a little helpless as Cuddy got more upset. He knew that she wouldn't appreciate being pestered so he comforted her as best as he could without speaking.

As the first hurtle was knocked down, the sense of relief was apparent. Not for long, though, as it was just a step in finding out what the actual problem was.

They headed back to the room to wait for Rachel to be returned. As they neared the doorway, they ran into Wilson.

"Hey guys, I'm going to look at the sample now and I put a rush on her lab work. I'll let you know as soon as I find something." He spoke in a rush that matched his pace. He was burning with worry and curiosity. At this moment, Rachel was his only patient. His top priority.

House and Cuddy barely had time to nod before the oncologist disappeared around the corner. As House led Cuddy into the room, he trip a little as his leg gave out.

"Oh! Are you okay? Your leg.." She felt bad for asking, wondering if she should have pretended that she hadn't seen anything. But she figured that they had both had done more than enough pretending already.

"I'm okay..it's just stiff and I haven't taken anything for it today." He felt ashamed that she had seen it and for the millionth time, wished he could be a real man instead of a bastard cripple. He leaned heavily on his cane as he made his way towards the chair. Sitting down, he pulled the white bottle out of his pocket and shakily popped the lid. Throwing two pills back, he met Cuddy's eyes as he pocketed the bottle.

"Ibuprofen..? House, I thought you were back on Vicodin. Wilson said that you went back on Vicodin." She was confused and didn't want to hope in case it was just a show for her benefit.

"I never really went back on it, Cuddy. I took one pill..to go see you in the hospital and I wasn't planning on taking any more, but then I lost you and there didn't seem to be any point in denying myself. I took another two pills that's night, but I woke up the next morning and realized that if I had even a slim shot of getting you back, I couldn't take anymore. So I didn't." His eyes had flickered away from her as his words went on, almost as if he was embarrassed to be telling her about his weakness.

Cuddy walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'm proud of you. I know that I haven't shown it. I should have. All I thought about was how I was feeling and I didn't even consider how hard it would be for you to deal with. I was wrong to end things for that reason, House. I'm sorry." She quickly wiped away a tear as she smiled at him.

He nodded and put his hand over hers on his shoulder. Things were okay between them for right now and that was good enough. They had other things to think about.

Rachel had yet to return and they were both going stir crazy. As doctors they fully understood that it could take time for her to come out from under the anesthesia. As parents, however, the wait was agonizing.

They were both silent and fidgety. Taking turns pacing, trying to read and even passing his game boy back and forth. Finally, after two long hours, the door opened and a sleepy looking Rachel was wheeled in.

"Mommy! How-s!" The girls smile lit up the room and both House and Cuddy smiled back as they moved to give the nurse room to situate the bed. When the woman left the room, both adults flanked the bed and laid kisses on the toddler.

"Hi baby, how are you feeling?" Cuddy's face was flushed and beautiful and House couldn't help but to run his hand across her cheek. When she met his eyes, he flashed a brilliant smile at her and winked quickly before looking back to Rachel.

"Sox was a bad puppy while you were sleeping, you'd better give her a talking to" He handed the toy to Rachel and she hugged it tight as House finally filled Cuddy in on the secret.

Glancing at the clock, House noticed that it was a little after noon.

"I'm going to run down to the cafeteria to get us some lunch. Do you want salad? Coffee?" He was making his way towards the door when she spoke.

"I can't possibly eat anything. Just coffee is fine." Her stomach was in knots and she knew that food would only make it worse.

"You have to eat. Now, is salad good for you?" He quirked an eyebrow as he waited for her answer.

"Yeah, salad is fine. Or just some fruit, whichever." She rolled her eyes as he pointed his cane at her and said "Yeah, like your ass got that big from just eating fruit. Nice try." and he exited the room.

As he entered the cafeteria, House made a beeline for the salad bar and began creating Cuddy's lunch. He twisted his mouth in disgust as he pilled lettuce, spinach, carrots, onions and other various vegetables onto the plate. He threw in some shredded cheese and cut up egg as well.

Whistling to himself, House made his way towards the line, snagging himself a sandwich on the way. Standing in line, his eyes roamed around the room.

People were talking and laughing, telling jokes and one-liners amongst themselves. He wondered if anybody else felt the sense of doom that he did. Then he realized that no, they probably didn't. It was just another day for them.

He hadn't told Cuddy or even Wilson that he felt this way. The moment he found out that Rachel was sick it settled low in his belly. Like something was waiting, just around the corner. He couldn't shake this feeling, no matter how hard he tried.

After paying for the food, he headed back up to the room. His appetite had vanished when his brain started kicking again. Cuddy still needed to eat though and he was going to make sure that she did.

Pushing the door open with his cane, he entered the room and set the tray down next to Cuddy. Rachel had fallen asleep and Lisa was brushing her fingers through the silky hair of her daughter. House could see how tense she was and hoped they wouldn't have to wait much longer for the results.

"Here. Eat." Handing her a fork, he sat down and began to nibble on his own food. A few bites into it, his stomach started clenching and he gave up.

Setting the sandwich down, he heaved a deep sigh and took a sip of his coffee. Hearing a rustle, he looked up just in time to see Cuddy dump her food in the trash.

"Hey! You need to eat, Lisa." He hadn't raised his voice but his tone was firm.

"Oh be realistic, House. I can't eat any more than you can right now. If I do, I'm going to be sick."

Nodding, he dumped his own lunch in the trash before waving her over. As she neared he stood up and motioned for her to take his seat. As she sat, he walked behind her and began to knead the tense muscles of her shoulders. She let out a moan and dropped her head forward.

"I know it's not easy, but we need to try and relax. We still don't know anything and we can't assume the worst." She knew he was right, but it was so damn hard to not know. Not know what the answer was and being afraid that once they got it, they wouldn't know where to go from there.

After her muscles turned to jelly, House say gently at the end of the bed and pulled her chair closer. Laying her head on his lap, he serenely ran his hand through her hair. His gaze was locked on something outside and she could tell that he wasn't really in a talking mood. She wasn't either. All she wanted was for Wilson to come through the door already.

A little over thirty minutes later, she got her wish.

There was a gentle tap on the door before it was pushed open. Wilson entered with a folder in his hands and an unreadable expression on his face.

House and Cuddy rose simultaneously and met him halfway between the door and the end of the bed.

"Well?" House spoke impatiently.

"The biopsy showed a malignant Wilms tumor on her right kidney. It looks to be in the early-" he was cut of as a violent sob sounded. Tears gathered in the oncologists eyes as his boss crumpled against his best friend.

As House supported her weight against his own, he nodded for Wilson to continue.

He spoke in a quiet voice as he finished "It looks to be in the early stages and the prognosis is good. We're going to do a CT to see the actual dimensions and then operate to remove the mass. She'll need chemo but I think she'll pull through."

After looking between the two doctors, he quietly made his way out of the room, seeing that they needed to be alone.

Cuddy was still sobbing against his chest. Her hands pounding into his shoulders with a force that shocked him. He dropped his cane to wrap both arms around her and hold her as tightly as he could. He buried his face in her hair and spoke softly but with a slight tremor in his voice.

"It's going to be okay, Lisa. Early stages, the prognosis is good. She'll pull through. She's just as strong as her mom, okay? I'm right here, Cuddy and I'm not going anywhere. Neither of you are alone." She had started to shake her head at him and he brought both hands to her face.

"Hey, look at me." when she complied, he looked her dead in the eye and spoke "We **will** get through this." and he pressed a kiss to her forehead, letting his lips linger as she continued to fall apart.

An hour later, Cuddy had managed to calm down enough for House to release her. He had retreated to the chair as she lay next to a still sleeping Rachel. The tears were still streaming, but no longer gut-wrenching sobs.

She couldn't believe it. Caner. Her baby had cancer. It really didn't seem fair that she had managed to escape the wicked disease but an innocent child wasn't as lucky. She was glad that House had been there when Wilson rattled off the results because she had completely lost it.

All she could think about was that she might lose her daughter and everything that they had found together. Their little patched together family that worked so incredibly perfect for them. It could be taken away, just like that. She wouldn't be able to survive if she lost her daughter to the fates. She just wouldn't.

Her eyes flickered over to House as she wondered how he was taking it. What was he thinking? He hadn't expressed any emotion. After reassuring her that they would make it through this nightmare, he hadn't spoken a single word. Just sat with his head down, leaning against his cane. She didn't mind, though. She didn't feel much like talking either.

Rachel sighed in her sleep and diverted her mother's attention away from the diagnostician. Once again, Cuddy was filled with a sense of despair. This wasn't fair. Nothing about this was even remotely close to fair.

Rachel had been tested by fate when she was born and then ditched. And she won. She beat the odds and she survived. Why was she being tested again? It didn't make sense to her, her medical knowledge had all but shut down and she was know the hysterical and annoying parent that House hated to deal with.

At this point in time, however, she couldn't give a rats ass about what anybody else wanted or needed. Her baby needed her and that was all that mattered.

Hours later, after the CT had been done and they knew the specific details of what they were dealing with, Rachel had fallen asleep. Cuddy remained laying next to her. She was exhausted from hours of crying and stress and her eyes were closing against her will.

"Sleep, Lisa. You're going to need it. I'm right here." His voice was grainy and tired. Those were the first words spoken since they got the news and it startled her slightly.

Nodding, she relaxed back against the pillow after kissing Rachel on the forehead. "Night baby, mommy loves you."

She was asleep a few minutes later and House finally allowed himself to breathe. It hurt. Everything hurt and it sucked. He didn't ever want to see Cuddy cry like that again. It nearly broke him to witness it and he just barely managed to keep it together.

There was such anguish in her sobs that he had to bury his face in her hair to hide his watery eyes. He managed to keep the tears from falling but he knew he wouldn't be able to do so much longer. This was his family. _**His**_. And nothing was going to take it away from him.

He was filled with an immense sense of anger and finally the grief won. His shoulders started to shake as he buried his face in his hands. While her sobs had wracked her body, his were nearly silent. The only was from the sniffing and little gasps as he inhaled.

The only time he could ever remember crying like this had been right after the infarction. His first night home and alone. The self-pity had been overwhelming and he had broken down. Not strong enough to weather the storm.

It seemed that their life together was full of pain and helplessness. Even when they weren't together, other forces had it in mind to change that.

He was startled by somebody pulling his legs apart and sliding between them before sliding their arms around his shoulders. He knew it was her..she was the only one brave enough to make a move like that.

He clung to her desperately as he continued to cry, holding nothing back. A wet sensation on his neck informed him that she had joined in.

Together, they cried for the child. Rocking back and forth and letting it out. An unknown amount of time passed before their mutual sobs quieted down to the occasional sniffle and hiccup.

House still held her tightly as he spoke against her ear "I'm sorry. I tried to keep it together for you but I..I couldn't. Once it started, it wouldn't stop. I'm sorry." He had started to shake his head slightly and she was in disbelief that he would be ashamed of this.

"No, no House. You're human, reacting to a situation in which we're placed in. It makes me feel a bit better, actually. Shows that you care, that you're scared. I'm terrified House. It's okay to be human." She stated as she ran her hand through his hair.

He nodded, not having the strength to vocalize what he was feeling. He cupped the back of her skull before lowering his lips to hers. It was the first time in weeks they had kissed and they both felt the shock run through them.

He didn't try to deepen the kiss, but pulled her into a hug after breaking the connection.

"I can't lose either of you. I just can't. I'm not strong enough, Cuddy." She knew that this was the real House. The one that was buried underneath years of pain and inner torment. This was the man that she had seen glimpses of through out the years. _This _was the man she wanted more glimpses of.

Silently, she rose and pulled him over to the bed. She removed his cane from his grasp and slid his jacket from his shoulders.

"Lay down. Get some sleep." He complied with her request without a word and followed her with his eyes as she rounded the bed and followed suit. Laying down on either side of Rachel, they joined hands above the blanket and gazed at each other with pure vulnerability until their eyes slipped shut and their breaths evened out.

With a smile, James Wilson shut the door to room 315 and left the family to sleep. Knowing that they didn't need help. They could get through this just fine.

He reached his office and settled on the couch, content in knowing that his friend had taken the final step in getting what he wanted. What they both needed. As he fell into the clutches of sleep, he wondered what tomorrow would bring and sent out a silent prayer for the little girl that was snuggled between her parents. Hoping that it would only get better from here.

A/N Definitely not over yet so hang in there. Please let me know what you thought! I loved writing this chapter, probably my favorite so far. And I apologize for it being short and House being OOC but it's my imagination and I'm rebelling, remember?

**-HA33**


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Here's chapter 9. Hope you all are enjoying the story so far, and there is a lot more to come if my brain cooperates. Thank you all for the reviews. Enjoy!

The next morning passed quickly, with paperwork to fill out and surgeons to talk to. House and Cuddy hadn't had a second alone since waking up at 8 by Wilson.

The Surgery was scheduled for the following morning and tensions were high. Though House wanted nothing more than to spend the day in the small room with Rachel and Cuddy, he knew that the dean would throw him out at some point.

He understood it perfectly, her temperament, but he was not very good at walking on eggshells and it showed. She had already snapped at him a few times for being annoying and he knew better than to open his mouth.

Surprisingly, he kept it shut. She didn't need him arguing with her on top of everything else.

Around noon, House got a page from his team. He had told them not to contact him unless it was needed, so he knew he needed to pay them a visit. Rising from his place next to the bed, he headed to the door.

"I've got to go check in with the team but I'll try to be back soon." He paused at the doorway to wait for her reply.

She barely looked up from her book as she said "Take your time, there's nothing exciting going on here."

He narrowed his eyes at her for a second, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She had been very distant from him today, standoffish in a way. He would have liked to think it was just the stress eating at her, but he wondered if it was something else too.

Deciding to talk to her about it later, he exited the room and made his way to the fourth floor where his team was waiting in his office. When he got there, they were sitting around the table with their heads buried in the patient file. He assumed there was a change in the patient's status and they were trying to figure out what they might have missed.

As soon as he took a seat, Chase spoke. "Anticonvulsants are having no effect, fever is still about 100 and blood pressure is increasingly erratic."

When Chase finished, Foreman continued "MRI was clean."

Sighing, House stood before saying "Do a CT scan with contrast and check the home."

Without saying anything else, he walked into his office and let the door swing shut. Luckily, nobody followed him. He sat down in his chaise and scrubbed his hand through his hair.

His leg was killing him and there was a mean headache forming from the lack of sleep. He was trying to be the man that Cuddy needed but it was hard. All the waiting was killing him and he knew that she must be feeling the same. He just couldn't figure out what had changed since last night, last night had been so amazing. They connected for the first time in awhile and he thought it might have been a step forward. It had given him hope that the relationship that they once had wasn't lost. It could be revived, if she'd stop distancing herself from him.

House was rarely ever confused and when he was, it was usually because of that woman. God did he love a challenge. Once again, though, he wasn't sure if he should just let it go for now, or trying to figure out what the hell was going on in that brain of hers.

Deciding that hiding in his office wouldn't get anything done, He headed back to Cuddy.

As he exited the elevator and started down the hallway, he was stopped by Wilson.

"Hey, House. You up for lunch? I was just heading down to grab some. Come on, my treat." The words flew out of Wilson's mouth and he sounded as if he had just run a marathon.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Quickie with a nurse? The janitor? Hope you washed your hands at least." He side-stepped the oncologist and continued down the hallway.

"House, you don't want to be in there right now, come on, lets go eat." Wilson had turned and was standing a pace behind House now.

"Why? What's going on? Is Rach okay?" His concern was apparent.

"Rachel is fine." Wilson stood helplessly as House opened the door to the room.

Before entering the threshold, House heard Cuddy talking with someone. The voice was familiar, but he couldn't place it until the man continued to speak.

"I'm sure she's going to be fine, Lisa. She's a strong kid and Wilson is the best, right?" House could see into the room now and he found out the identification of the mystery man.

"Lucas, I know that she's strong but it's incredibly serious. There is a chance, even though it's small that she might not make it." Cuddy was standing next to the man as he rubbed a soothing hand across her back.

"Well, I'm here now and I'll do whatever you want me to do." Lucas was speaking in hushed tones but House heard him clear as day.

"How did you even know? I didn't call you." She was neither accepting nor denying his touch, but her tone revealed confusion.

"Your sister called me. Said you needed me." His tone was slightly smug and it annoyed House in an instant.

The baritone from the doorway startled them both and they turned around in unison.

"Guess I'm no longer needed then. And I understand now how it was so easy to walk away from us. Nice, Cuddy. Real nice." The betrayal was unmistakable in his voice and he quickly grabbed his jacket before heading back towards the door.

"House, wait! It's not what you think, I didn't call him." She wrapped her fingers around her arm, silently pleading with him to stay. Not to leave her.

"You did call me. The other day you called and asked if I wanted to catch up over dinner. You said that you and House had broken up. That it was over and you were just looking for some company." House couldn't tell if he was just trying to rub it in or if he was genuinely confused. Knowing Lucas, it was the former.

"Dinner, huh? Dessert too? Wouldn't surprise me." He freed his arm from her grasp and opened the door. "Tell Rachel that I love her and to get well. I'm leaving now that 'Daddy' is back." he locked eyes with Cuddy before shaking his head and leaving the room. He couldn't believe this.

After the door had shut, Cuddy lowered her gaze to the floor. She felt bad. Rationally, she had done nothing wrong. They weren't together and Lucas was a friend. So what, House could have his hookers but she wasn't allowed to have anybody? That wasn't exactly fair. She knew that she had once again hurt him, though. Anybody but Lucas would have been better.

"Lisa…I'm sorry. I didn't know he was going to come in." he lay a gentle hand on her shoulder and was shocked when she pulled away.

"You need to leave. Whatever my sister said about us wasn't true. I don't need you, Lucas, I had what I needed to make it through this. Now, I need to work on getting it back. Thank you for your concern, but you need to leave." She opened the door and motioned for him to exit, keeping her eyes slightly to the left of him.

She couldn't believed that this had happened. Everything that they had overcome the night before meant nothing now. As soon as House had kissed her last night, she felt guilty. She remember how much it hurt when she had found out about House and his hooker binge, and she never wanted him to feel that way.

She hoped that he would come back. He needed to come back. She had to fix this and the only way to do that was to sit him down and make him listen to what she had to say.

He had said that he loved Rachel. He loved her.

House limped painfully down he hallway. He didn't really know where he was going, he just had to get out. He couldn't believe her. While he was heart broken and on the verge of a breakdown, she had been dinning with Lucas. **Lucas**. Of all the people….

Shaking his head, he wondered if she even really loved him at all. It had seemed so easy to end things with him. Sure, she cried a bit, but she hadn't looked back..not once.

He had left the room for ten minutes and Lucas was already filling his spot.

Scoffing to himself, he thought that they could be a happy little family for all he cared. He was done.

Through out there entire relationship he had compared himself to Lucas and he never quite measured up. Now, he wondered if she had done the same.

He thought about the having dinner, wondered if they talked about him. About how he screwed up his relationship with Cuddy. They probably had a good laugh about too. Then he wondered if their time had extended beyond the restaurant. Did they sleep together? Was it in her bed? The same one that he had been in days before. His stomach rolled at the thought and he fought the urge to punch someone. She was supposed to be his.

Without even realizing it, he had made his way to Cuddy's office. Nobody knew it, but since they had broken up, he came here at night sometimes. Long after she had left. He did it to feel close to her. It helped when he was missing her and his leg hurt too much to make the drive home. If he concentrated hard enough, he could picture him milling about during the day. Making phone calls and meeting with donors. The center spot on the couch smelled slightly of her and she was on her way to making her very own butt crease.

House didn't know why he was here, torturing himself. For the past few weeks, he had refused to believe that it was really over. It couldn't be, they still had so much more to say.

If she was trying to rekindle an old flame, though, didn't that mean that it really was over? For her at least.

His chest lurched at the thought and he closed his eyes tightly.

Behind him, he heard the office door slam closed and he whirled around.

Seeing who it was, he immediately started towards the door, but she stood in the way and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Move out of the way, Lisa." there was emotion when he spoke.

"No. I'm tired of us running away from each other. We need to talk and we're doing it now." was her reply.

"Nothing to talk about. People need to eat, right?" he spat.

"Don't even sit there and act like my having dinner with Lucas doesn't bother you. Not after you stormed out earlier." she was starting to get angry at him and it showed.

"When people break-up, there is no need to have those deep and meaningful talks." he snarked.

"So you're perfectly fine with the fact that we're over? You don't miss us? Don't want us? Because I have a letter that proves you're lying. Which is it House?" she was losing her patience and quickly deciding that it was better this way.

"Did you sleep with him?" he asked in a whisper.

Firmly, she spoke "Yes."

House flinched and lowered his eyes to the carpet. His eyes were stinging and he felt like a moron. "Why?"

"I was lonely and I wanted to get back at you. Maybe that was immature, but House..you think it was so easy for me to end things? To just walk away from you?" she took a deep breath before continuing "It was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do and you didn't even take longer than five minutes to get over it. The next day you were back to your drug-addicted-man-whoring ways" there were tears sliding down her face now and she didn't even bother to stop them.

"Excuse me for thinking that sitting at home missing you might be too painful, so yes, I went out to dinner with him and yes, I slept with him. You cant fault me for that because you slept with more than one person. What do you want me to do, House?"

"I begged you not to walk out on us and you did it anyway. You looked me in the eyes and turned your back. I was lost. I was afraid of losing you and then I did anyway. So forgive me for stumbling a bit. But for the record, I didn't sleep with any of them." his eyes were watery and his breathing harsh. "It seems that when I'm in love with someone, a certain part of my anatomy doesn't like performing for other someones. Funny how that works out, yours performed perfectly fine."

"What?" She couldn't believe it. Didn't want to.

"Yeah. So, _**Cuddy**_. Why don't you tell me what you want?" his tone was bitter and he had taken up pacing. "because I'm pretty sure that I already spilled my heart out once and I'm not doing it again."

"I don't know what I want, House! I need time and so do you. But I can tell you that I don't want Lucas. He was never the one for me." her tone had risen and she was yelling now.

"Oh, and I am? Don't be foolish, I'm not the one for anybody." he said self-depreciatingly.

"You used to be. You used to want to be. You've changed your mind now?" her tears had stopped and she was speaking out of confusion. This **hurt.** Like packing up your favorite childhood toy.

"This can't be over, Cuddy. We barely had any time together. I can do better. I know I can. " he spoke quietly. Almost imploring her to take a chance on him. Again.

She bit her lip and looked at him. They were both calm now and it seemed she had to make a decision.

"Maybe we could start over. I can't be with you right now, House. With Rachel sick, it's just not the best time. I can't put the effort into this that it deserves. I need you in my life and I'm pretty sure that you need me too. When this mess is over and Rachel is better, we'll figure it out, okay?" She hoped that it would be good enough because it was all she could offer.

House looked at her closely "Fine. But no more sleeping with people, for either of us. Until we know that we're definitely over for good. It doesn't do anything but hurt the person we claim to love. Deal?" he childishly spit on his hand before holding it out to her.

She made a disgusted face before wrapping her arms around him. "Deal."

"Now, I need to get back to Rachel, I have Wilson sitting with her right now but he has an appointment in a few minutes"

"Can I come? Please." his eyes begged her as he spoke.

"Yeah, Come on. She needs both of us." She grabbed his hand and headed out of her office.

As they walked down the hallway together, people noticed the hand holding but they never let go, not even when they relieved Wilson of his babysitting duty.

It was going to take time, but they were definitely on the right track.

A/N: Like it? Hope so, please leave a review! Thanks for reading.

**-HA33**


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Here I am with chapter 10! Took a while because I wasn't sure what the next step should be but I think I got it. I decided that we needed some Wilson.

Hope you enjoy reading and don't forget to review!

The afternoon had passed in a boring blur. Rachel had been awake for a few hours and managed to amuse the two adults with her antics. She had tired quickly, though, and barely made it through dinner before falling asleep.

To fill the time, Cuddy had asked made a quick run to her office to grab some paperwork. Her type-A personality wouldn't allow her to fall behind in her duties. It took her longer than usual, though, she found herself re-reading lines a few times before her brain would absorb them.

House had opted to pass time his usual way. He played his video games and read medical journals. It only took him so far as his sarcasm muscle was twitching. With no one to harass, he was slowly going insane. While playing his games, he was frustrated with the lack of concentration. His blue eyes constantly flickered over to the raven-haired beauty.

He fought back a smirk as she kicked her shoes off and dug her feet into the blanket while signing what he was sure was boring legal stuff. Need-money-for-this, cost-money-for-that kind of stuff that he had absolutely no interest in.

Wilson had been making himself scarce and neither House or Cuddy could figure out if it was to give them time alone. Well, as alone as they could get in a crowded hospital with a sick toddler permanently fixed to the bed. Or if he was actually swamped with work.

After beating his record for the third time, House decided to pay the oncologist a visit.

Rising from his chair, he spoke quietly to Cuddy.

"I'm going to go see Wilson, need to stretch my leg a bit." He sent her a shy smile, which she returned, before he exited the room, closing the door softly on his way out.

He contemplated about the butterflies in his stomach at her smile on his way to Wilson's office. He felt light and almost happy. They weren't even together yet but he knew that he would have another chance. Eventually.

As he entered the office, Wilson looked up from his desk. His sleeves were rolled up and his feet kicked up onto the desk. He didn't look busy at all. Drawing pictures in his little Zen sandbox is what he was doing.

House closed the door behind himself and quirked an eye brow at his friend.

"This is what you get paid to do? Build sandcastles?"

"You're one to talk, at least I do my nothing in my office instead of everywhere else." the oncologist shot back.

"Well played, sir. So, what's up?" He dropped himself onto the couch and stretched his legs out while folding his arms behind his head.

"No a lot, I thought that I might die of boredom but it seems my savior has finally arrived." He tossed the sandbox aside and settled down for their daily banter session.

"What's up with you? How is Cuddy doing?" There was a slight hesitance in his tone, as if he wasn't sure if the question would upset House.

"She's doing. Doted on Rach while she was awake. She's doing paperwork right now, you know how she is." House waved his hand as if to brush the answer aside and tried to ignore Wilson's raised eyebrow.

"That's it? That's really all you have to say? Are you forgetting that I was there when the Lucas this happened this morning? Come on, House. Don't make me ask." His tone was playful but pleading and House rolled his eyes.

"Good God, Woman. There's nothing to say. She followed me, she yelled, I yelled. The usual." House raised his eyes to the ceiling, uncomfortable with the subject.

Wilson stared at House for a minute without speaking. There was something on the diagnostician's face, he just couldn't place it. He was almost afraid to ask because it was such a delicate subject. The thing about his friend was that if you asked and he didn't want to answer, it was easily frustrating and Wilson didn't really have the energy to deal with scared-deflecting House. But if his friend was hurting, he wanted to know. He couldn't help if he didn't know the problem.

Wilson tended to consider himself a smart man, in doing that, he was able to deduce that seeing Lucas in the same room that House himself had occupied moments before must have been like a slap in the face. On top of all the other hurt and heartbreak, it was like icing on the cake. He was also aware of the rate in which negative thoughts raced through House's head. It could be incredibly damaging if no one was there to kick him off of that path before it was too late.

"She slept with Lucas." It was said quietly and with barely restrained angst.

Wilson was brought out of his musings by that statement. He was dumbfounded as he stared at House, waiting for him to continue. He wasn't sure what to say, as apart from the obvious, he didn't know how House was handling it.

"Oh come on, she's sexy and smart. She knows what she wants and knows how to get it. Did you really think it would be that long before she looked for company?" House's tone had risen and he found himself annoyed for no apparent reason. Normally, you couldn't shut Wilson up with threats to his happy place. He chooses now to become mute?

After stuttering for a second, Wilson finally regained his bearings and managed a reply.

"She told you that? It's not just one of your crazy deduction theories?"

"Yes, daddy. She told me straight to my face. With eye contact and all." He had adopted a 'duh' sort of look and Wilson rolled his eyes.

"Then what? I want to know the good parts." The excitement that was in his voice made House roll his eyes this time.

"I feel like we are on an episode of 'The Hills'. Do you enjoy my misery? Maybe I should have named **you** Cutthroat. God, have some sympathy!"

"Enough deflecting. You're not turning this around on me. Spill." Wilson relaxed his stance a bit, mirroring House's hands behind his head.

"I asked her if she slept with doofus and she said yes. Then she threw the hookers in my face, which is completely different, by the way, and then we yelled at each other until the yelling stopped and the hurt came in." House was sitting now and rubbing his leg. Just talking about it made it ache like crazy.

"I told her that she turned her back on me. That I was terrified of losing her and then she left anyway." Shaking his head for a second, House brought himself back to the present.

"After some more yelling, she told me that now wasn't the right time and that when Rachel was better, we could talk." The older doctor finally lifted his eyes to see a goofy smile plastered on Wilson's face.

"Dude, stop being such a **girl!**" His smile leaked through his lips anyway, and they shared a celebratory moment. The first step had been climbed.

"That's great, House. Really." All he got was a nod in return, but he really hadn't expected much more.

"So, what's for dinner? I'm starving from all that mouth-flapping." He rose from the couch and was closely followed by his sidekick.

As they made their way down the canteen, Julia Cuddy was making her way up to room 315.

Knocking lightly on the door, she peeked around the corner.

Seeing her sister staring blankly at the papers in her lap, she offered a greeting.

"Hey, I got here as soon as I could." She placed her things at the end of the bed and wrapped her arms around her sister.

"Hey, thanks for coming. How are you?" Cuddy was grateful for the interruption as she couldn't concentrate anyway.

"I'm fine, how was you holding up? How is Rachel?" The woman moved over to the toddler and laid a gentle kiss on her warm forehead before settling down on the little free bed space that was left.

"The biopsy revealed a malignant tumor on her right kidney. Wilms tumor, surgery for removal is tomorrow morning. With that and chemo, she should be just fine."

"That's good, it could have been worse, right?" The younger sister was reading Cuddy's face and she knew there was more. She just wasn't sure if it had to do with Rachel or not.

"So how are you holding up with the other stuff? You know, work and home and House. Oh god, how did that come up?" She had a smirk on her face and saw Cuddy's eyes widen for a second before going back to normal.

Hesitating, she began speaking "House is…oh boy. House is House but different..better. He has been here since I brought Rachel in and he been so amazing. He didn't push or annoy..he just took on the role of a concerned father. Rachel was so happy to see him, Jules. They really bonded a lot more than I gave him credit for." A goofy smile had floated onto her face and it was not missed.

"Lisa..you can't be thinking about getting back together with him. Don't you remember what he did? He's not going to change, that's why you ended things in the first place! Don't be foolish, it's probably an act to get back with you. I really wish you wouldn't fall for it." Disapproval shone in these words like a beacon and immediately made Cuddy annoyed.

"He wasn't the only one who messed up, Julia. I did too. When we first got together I told him that I didn't want him to change and then I expected him to every time something happened. Every time he messed up, he fixed it and it still wasn't good enough. My idea of us was clouding my eyes, and I should have given myself time to calm down before going to his place. I was so happy after finding out that I didn't have cancer that the fall from his relapse seemed a lot further than it was. He's an addict, it's amazing that he made it as long as he did. They relapse, it happens. You get back on the wagon and move on..I should have stuck by him instead of abandoning him! I turned my back on him when he needed me the most, which was exactly what he did! The only difference was that he was punished for it and I wasn't. Any relationship between us won't be perfect and I finally realize that. He messes up, we fix it. I mess up and he takes the fall anyway. It shouldn't be that way. If we do try again, we both need to change some things. I'm not better at this than he is and I need to stop pretending that I am. Being with him with the occasional disappointment is better than not being with him at all." she took a deep breath and wiped the few stray tears before she continued "I love him, Jules. That's hard to find, especially for me and I know he loves me. I'm the one who doesn't deserve a second chance, but he loves me enough to offer it anyway."

She was finally admitting to herself that she made mistakes too. All the blame had been on him when they both deserved it. Every time they had a problem, he did every thing he could to fix it, but it wasn't just him who should have been providing band-aids.

They really did have a lot to work through before they even came to a place where they could be genuinely happy with each other.

Regardless of what her sister thought, he deserved it. He deserved more but was willing to settle for her.

She had been waiting for the axe to fall during their entire relationship. Kept waiting for it to get better instead of focusing on the actuality of it. She remembered the happy times, when the surprisingly sweet man made her remember what happiness felt like. Paying the babysitting to stay longer, meeting under the bed for roaming fingers and sweet kisses, the peace penguin and flowers. He did his best to make her happy and she shot him down at every turn.

Julia saw that her sister was no longer there. She wondered if she was wrong. If being constantly disappointed by someone that you loved really was better that being without them completely.

"Are you sure that you're not reaching to find a safety net to help you deal with Rachel?" she gently inquired.

"Safe?" Cuddy scoffed "House is many things, but safe has never been one of them. That man can completely mind-fuck you in minutes and I love him. I love who he is, sis, I don't care what it looks like from the outside. I just don't care anymore." She had a brilliant smile on her face and the color was back in her cheeks.

They shared the smile and Julia was glad to see part of her sister back. She didn't ever want to see her breakdown like she had the night they sat in her dining room after she had broken it off with House.

Apparently, there was more than meets the eye with Gregory House and who was she to guess it?

Down in the cafeteria, House was flicking bits of straw wrapper into Wilson's food as his pager sounded.

"Gotta go!" He rose quickly from his seat and limped out into the hall and around a corner before looking at the tiny screen.

He blinked twice at the device as the letter registered in his mind. It simply read "ILY -C"

He leant his head back against the wall as an idiot smile overtook his face and he closed his eyes as if to relish the moment. He had taken the first step, and she had more than returned the gesture. It wasn't a relationship, but it was more than he felt he deserved.

His pager sounded again, disrupting his silent moment. This time it was the team and House took off towards the elevators. He had a few minutes to spare for the dying.

Minutes later, he entered the DDX room and was surprised to find only foreman present.

"Where's Saint, Sunny, and Cher? A quick look out the door revealed that they weren't incoming and he shrugged before sitting down.

"Sent them home and do I even want to know which one is Cher?" he gave his patented eye quirk and paired it with a smirk.

"Chase of course! He's such a pretty diva." House gave a mocking hair flick before raising questioning eyes to his boss.

"Patient has improved, antibiotics are helping and he hasn't seized since the last one, CT scan was clean." Foreman was exhausted and it showed in his posture. His shoulders were slumped and his face weary.

"Okay. So, you needed me why? I could have been doing something important!" His mock outrage was short lived a Foreman's snort.

"I saw you eating with Wilson. Yeah, I can see how important that is. I wanted to ask about Rachel. It's not really my business but I know her too, sort of." He was nervous about the question and House smiled internally before putting the doctor out of his misery.

"She's okay at the moment. Biopsy showed Wilms Tumor. Cutting it out tomorrow, then with some Chemo she should be ready to continue annoying me." The sparkle in his eyes bellied the end of his statement and Foreman was relieved to see it there.

"Good. That's really good. Tell Cuddy that I'm glad, will you? The patient is fine so I'm going to head home, get a decent night of sleep. Have a good night, House." After nodding, he collected his briefcase and jacket and stepped out of the room.

Exhaling into the empty room, House dug into his pocket of his jeans for the Ibuprofen bottle.

Shaking two into his hand, he rose and limped over the sink for some water before swallowing them. He rested his hip against the counter and flicked his eyes around the room. His leg hurt like hell but the rest of him was so pain free that he wasn't tortured by the piece of flesh missing from his thigh.

He felt light. Like he could float.

He snagged his pager from his waist before running his fingers over the screen which still displayed the message from Cuddy. His heart skipped a beat and he admonished himself. It's not like it's the first time she had said it. _Get a grip!_

The stubborn smile refused to leave his face though, and he was glad that no one was around. Baby steps.

Having seen Julia in the hallway briefly, House decided to make another trip home to grab some things.

After returning to Cuddy's, he stopped in the hospital gift-shop. Opting to purchase flowers instead of stealing them.

Paying a orderly to deliver two dinner plates and the flowers, House settled down in the waiting room. Pulling out his game boy, he let out a sigh. Life was good right now. He'd take that.

As a song came over the PA, he figured some teenybopper had changed the station. He didn't pay much attention to it, but one line caught his ears and he froze during his game as it ran around in his head.

_When the roof caved in _

_And the truth came out_

_I just didn't know what to do_

That's what had happened. It all came so fast that he hadn't known what to do. He reached for Vicodin. It had been his safety net for years. He had acted out of habit and questioned it later. Why did he do that?

The fear of losing her wrapped like a cold vice around his heart and he felt like he couldn't breathe. It felt like he was drowning, his savior was the one that needed to be saved and he had no _fucking_ clue. He didn't know how to do this without her, without her directives and guiding hand.

It had hurt so damn much. A fire had consumed his leg and surged down to his feet. He couldn't think, he could only feel. He had never wanted to feel that kind of pain. He hadn't felt it when Stacy left, he supposed it helped that he was so angry at her. But Cuddy, there was no anger, only blinding fear. He didn't know how to be who he was without her.

Her walking away from him was implanted in his mind. It rewound itself over and over again in his dreams and every time, he couldn't speak. Couldn't stop her.

He pictured himself closing the door before she could pass through, Wrapping his arms around her from behind so tight that she had to stay. That she had to _listen. _He would bury his face in her hair and tell her all the things he had kept inside. Scared didn't cover it and that was all he had managed to choke out that night. Told her that he wasn't planning on going back on drugs, he just needed something, anything to get him through that ordeal. Begged her, if he needed to. More than he had anyway. Held her until she gave up the fight. Until she agreed to stay. He could do better. _They_ could do better.

He was brought out of his musings by the door to Rachel's room opening and Julia exiting. She shut the door behind her and flashed him a smile before she reached him.

"Watch over them. This is your chance. Don't screw it up." With a light pat on his chest, she breezed by him and entered the elevator.

As her face disappeared behind the doors, House made his way towards Cuddy.

When he saw her face, another line from that obnoxious song passed through his mind.

_Let me in_

_Give me another chance_

_To really be your man_

And she was, he could see it in the smile that she directed at him. Her eyes sparkled and her face flushed slightly. Unable to stop himself, he limped to her and kissed her chastely on the lips.

"Sorry, habit." her eyes flickered open and she returned the kiss with one of her own that was not so chaste.

"Oops." she spoke softly.

House touched his thumb to her cheek and gave her a wink before taking his seat and moving his eyes to Rachel.

A blur of color on the floor caught his eye and he rose when he realized it was Sox. Picking the stuffed dog up, he aimed an "animal abuse!" at Cuddy before carefully tucking the animal in next to Rachel and gazing at the girl for a second before returning to his seat.

"Stop smiling at me like that, Woman. Your face will stick and we'll have to call Taub in." he made an 'ick' face as he spoke.

"Oh, shush you big softie. You're more of a teddy bear than anyone knows." she was teasing him and he relished in it. It seems like it's been forever since the last time.

"Tell anyone and I'll have to punish you." He glared at her and pointed a mock stern finger in her direction.

"That could be fun, actually. But I promise to keep this to myself. I kind of like it that way."

"Yeah, yeah. You should feel so special." he grumbled.

"I do! Doesn't it show?" she folded her hands under her chin and batted her eyes at him.

House broke out in laughter that sent chills down her spine.

She spoke without meaning to "God, I missed you."

Her eyes had taken on a deer-in-headlights look and she snapped her mouth closed.

House's laughter stopped in an instant and his eyed sobered.

"You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that, Cuddy." Her name came out almost as a caress and his eyes roamed her face as if imprinting it into his memory.

In her eyes she read that he missed her too, there was no need for him to say it.

Unable to hold his stare, she focused on the starched white blanket as she spoke again.

"I'm sorry, House. I'm sorry for expecting you to change even after I told you that I didn't want you to. I'm sorry for getting hung up on all the negatives and letting all the positive things pass me by. I made mistakes, a lot of them. And it really means a lot to me that you want to try again. I don't think that I deserve it, but I'm really going to try to be better for you. For us." she had turned her face to his again, and he could see the clear truth in her eyes.

He swallowed roughly before speaking, quietly and filled with emotion "We both made mistakes, we both need to fix things. I want us to be better, Lisa. We need to stop looking for perfection and just find us."

With a shaky breath, she replied "Sounds perfect" and flashed him a smirk before going back to her paperwork.

He smiled at the top of her head before flicking through his journal, looking for the article he had yet to finish.

_So tell me girl_

_Whatcha say?_

_Whatcha say?_

_I really need you in my life_

_Cause things ain't right_

Maybe that song wasn't so obnoxious after all.

Humming to himself, he focused on his reading. Trying to prepare himself for tomorrow.

A/N: So? Like it? Hope so, it was a blast to write. Only took two hours and 13 minutes for a little over 4,000 words. I'm not sure where that is on the fic writer scale, but I'll get there. The song is Whatcha say by Jason Derulo and I'm currently obsessed with it, sorry.

Don't forget to leave a review! Thanks for reading! Oh! And I joined the likes of twitter. HuddyAddict3315, drop me a line.

**-HA33**


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